In less than six hours I'll be passing the exam of my life. It literally is the exam of my life as it will decide what's to come and what's to become of my existence. To be honest I'm both scared, unprepared and careless. When I think about it I'm only worried about what people might think of me. Oh she used to be smart what happened to her? What's the sudden drop?
I've experienced my first failure this week. I failed my university entrence exam and now I have a second chance to make it up, but I don't seem to care. I am sad for my family if I'm honest. I mean they went through so much to get me to where I am. I'm sad for my father who wants to see me get a good job. But mostly I'm sad for myself. I'm selfish I know, but I'm not sad for the reasons that are supposed to make me feel sad at the moment. I'm mostly sad because this is not what I want. To become an engineer has not been my plan, I simply followed this path because everyone wanted it, it seemed prestigious and the smartest people seemed to want to take on this job. But to be honest once and for all, I don't know what I want all that I'm sure of is that I'm not sure that this is who and what I want to become. I don't have a dream so the reasonable decision is for me to do well in this exam and think about the outcome later on. But I'm in a state of mind where I don't think rationaly. What's my dream? Who do I want to be? Where do I see myself in 10 years from now? I don't have an answer to any of these questions. It probably is the struggle of every 2x. It's hard because when I think about it I want to travel, meet new people live adventures and acquire experiences. But that requires money and in order to have that one must work and in order to work you must go through his process of university, which now and with my grades is a dream in the process of becoming a nightmare. I'm at a point where even if I do pass the exam I won't get a great university. But still when I think about it, I'm an imaginative person so I know that somehow somewhere sometime soon I'll figure out what drives me to live and not just breath. It's just that the thought of me wasting my youth sitting on a chair, listening to some professors that teach me what's already in books and on the internet, take my time away from me and not giving me any type of knowledge worth my attention breaks my heart. I want to learn from people that lived and learnt from life. I want to have a professor that can teach me to live and to give and to admire the beauty of the world that I live in, cause god knows that that's what I need right now. I want a Maguire and a Keating, I want a Grewell and a Johnson, I want to truly learn by appreciating learning, I want to be guided to the right path so that I can one day guide and help others. Because otherwise what's the purpose of living.
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Rain reminded me of this song and just like that memories started pouring in: new encounters that were magically unexpected-in unusual places. I hope for the better as it all gets purified when the rain season starts, I hope that this change of seasons will bring a good change in our hearts, wishing for it to carry love, happiness and order to our messy days When the war is over I'll be thinking of a boy Will he come back or will I mourn I don't have time for the future I need him now So before tomorrow comes I'll love him deep And when the night comes I'll run and sleep No need to rush they won't dig his grave It's way too early I have prayers saved My love for him is dirty and blind It's soft and clear but like nature it's wild My dear young man whose country he loves He's a sacrifice with flesh and blood ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was sitting one night watching a series about WW1... And it came to mind scenes about mothers mourning their sons and wives their husbands. War took so many lives. I know that what I wrote is somehow far from being relatable to the situation, but it's all my simple mind and thoughts could come up with. There are wars going on in this world today but sadly most people do not care about what's going on. We live and breath in our own little bubble and we neglect the rest of the world. If there was nothing we could do then fine I'll acknowledge that I'm talking rubbish. But there is something; in fact there are millions of things we can do, if not to stop the wars that are going on, then at least to help those that are in war and give them hope that it will soon be over. We do not need another WW. Most people ignore what's going on in the world, if not for Facebook or Twitter reminding them with a change of picture or with a hashtag to pray for a city or a country, they wouldn't even bother to check what's going on in the other side of the planet. People are dying in Palestine everysingle day. People are dying in Syria. People are dying in Iraq. The UN is so focused on irrelevent things that it's fogotten why it's been put there in the first place. The UN needs to step up and stand by the innocents' side. Children are dying, being orphaned and left with no homes or playgrounds. Mothers and Fathers are loosing their children everysingle day. We need to do something about it. We need to take a stand and give a helping hand to those in utmost need of it. Please support the White Helmets: www.whitehelmets.org |
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July 2017
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