In less than six hours I'll be passing the exam of my life. It literally is the exam of my life as it will decide what's to come and what's to become of my existence. To be honest I'm both scared, unprepared and careless. When I think about it I'm only worried about what people might think of me. Oh she used to be smart what happened to her? What's the sudden drop?
I've experienced my first failure this week. I failed my university entrence exam and now I have a second chance to make it up, but I don't seem to care. I am sad for my family if I'm honest. I mean they went through so much to get me to where I am. I'm sad for my father who wants to see me get a good job. But mostly I'm sad for myself. I'm selfish I know, but I'm not sad for the reasons that are supposed to make me feel sad at the moment. I'm mostly sad because this is not what I want. To become an engineer has not been my plan, I simply followed this path because everyone wanted it, it seemed prestigious and the smartest people seemed to want to take on this job. But to be honest once and for all, I don't know what I want all that I'm sure of is that I'm not sure that this is who and what I want to become. I don't have a dream so the reasonable decision is for me to do well in this exam and think about the outcome later on. But I'm in a state of mind where I don't think rationaly. What's my dream? Who do I want to be? Where do I see myself in 10 years from now? I don't have an answer to any of these questions. It probably is the struggle of every 2x. It's hard because when I think about it I want to travel, meet new people live adventures and acquire experiences. But that requires money and in order to have that one must work and in order to work you must go through his process of university, which now and with my grades is a dream in the process of becoming a nightmare. I'm at a point where even if I do pass the exam I won't get a great university. But still when I think about it, I'm an imaginative person so I know that somehow somewhere sometime soon I'll figure out what drives me to live and not just breath. It's just that the thought of me wasting my youth sitting on a chair, listening to some professors that teach me what's already in books and on the internet, take my time away from me and not giving me any type of knowledge worth my attention breaks my heart. I want to learn from people that lived and learnt from life. I want to have a professor that can teach me to live and to give and to admire the beauty of the world that I live in, cause god knows that that's what I need right now. I want a Maguire and a Keating, I want a Grewell and a Johnson, I want to truly learn by appreciating learning, I want to be guided to the right path so that I can one day guide and help others. Because otherwise what's the purpose of living.
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July 2017
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